Computers

Computers

Like it or not, computers are here to stay. That is a fact and there is
no getting round it. Even the most dedicated Luddite must have realised
by now that these machines are as much a part of modern life as the
motorcar. Admittedly, there are isolated pockets of local councillors
who are still fighting a stubborn rearguard action against the motorist
and these might need their heads pulling out of their rectal orifices
before they are able to view the world with anything like a studied
pragmatism.
Without a computer I would never have considered writing this article.
Sure, I had an old manual typewriter, which made a hell of a clatter
when you hit the keys and shredded the nerves of the rest of the
family, but it would have taken me the best part of a week to create an
error free script on it. I am not anticipating spending more than an
hour at the keyboard with my modern computer and the end result will
not have a single error in it. Furthermore, I can go back and change
things to my heart's content. The bottles of Tippex have gone for
ever!
You simply don't need a surfeit of skill; it's as simple as that.
Modern firms claim to be able to train a typist in three days! That's
assuming they have average intelligence, of course, and are able to
remember simple facts. (Epsilons fall in a different category
altogether; you couldn't train an Epsilon to count traffic by tossing
pebbles into a bucket as the vehicles whistled past his nose, so
getting him to fire up a computer would be a gargantuan task.)
Not everyone needs to be able to write articles or letters but
nevertheless many of those feel a pressing need to own a computer. Why
is this? Do they have complex mathematical equations to solve before
they can indulge in a bout of serious copulation? I doubt it. A fair
proportion of people buy a machine for their children, simply because
the poor little mites encounter them at school. The odds are that most
of these machines lie idle in the parlour, having taken the place of
the piano of yesteryear, except for the odd occasion when little Jimmy
is called upon to show off his expertise in front of visiting relatives
usually by playing a game or two. Others will remain untouched, clean
and polished on a desk, like revered religious icons, their owners
perpetually watching them for signs of supernatural activity.
Next in the queue are the users of the cretinous Internet. This was
originally set up for the use of universities so that academic
information could be quickly spread around the world and computer
facilities could be shared. (I remember using a machine that was
located in Texas, many years ago.) Not all the Internet is a waste of
time, the e-mail facility is wonderful. I can send half a dozen
messages to different people for the cost of a single local phone call.
You can't beat that when it comes to getting value for money. As for
the rest, you can keep it.
I met a young woman recently who has just taken a week off work. She
had spent the entire week at her computer, logged on to the Internet.
She had slept in the chair, hadn't washed, hardly eaten anything at all
and had survived on mugs of tea and countless cigarettes. Her principal
moan in life was that her employer wouldn't allow her access to the
Internet!
From what I've seen of the Internet, it consists mainly of computer
nerds sending inane messages to each other on idiotic chat lines. Many
of them remind me of Tony Hancock in The Radio Ham: "It is er not
raining also in Tokyo here," or "Will you nip round to my mothers and
get her to send me a bread pudding?" seems to be the highlight of what
might be happening in their lives.
I'll admit that the Internet has proved invaluable for disseminating
information that governments would rather we didn't see and herein lies
its strength. But as for shopping, I ask you? What woman would be
deprived of endlessly traipsing round stores, trying on dresses and
poking her nose into everything on offer? Contrast that with sitting at
a computer terminal and where's the competition? There might be one or
two deviants, but mine isn't amongst them. That much I have to be
thankful for, the phone bill would hit the jackpot if she were to trawl
through everything that the e-commerce people are trying to sell us,
whereas I have only to hide her credit card and she can shop all day
without troubling my wallet. Plus, as we all know, there are plenty of
miscreants out there who will milk your bank account dry once they have
your credit card number.
The dot com bubble might not have imploded yet but it sure has a leak
in it. Entrepreneurs who backed these firms are struggling to get a
return on their money. This amply illustrates that there is a distinct
lack of common sense in the business world. All these people had to do
was take more notice of what their wives do best and they would have
seen the light without bothering to look. I have no sympathy for them
at all.